Cast:

Captain (James T. Smirk)

Science Officer (Lieutenant Spork)

Communications Officer (Lieutenant Tempura)

Security Officer (Ensign Speckoff)

Medical Officer (Leonard Ahoy)

Pilot (Lieutenant Hulu)

Engineering Officer (Chief Biscotti)

Captain: [Speaking thoughtfully, as though to a recording device.] “Captain’s log, star date zero zero zero zero point zero zero one, on the USS Avis (‘We Try Harder’). Due to some strange malfunction in our navigational computer, we have been translated into a new universe, or possibly we have traveled in time, since our computer clock seems to have reset to zero. I’ve assigned our science officer to give me a full analysis. [Turns to Science Officer.] What do you have for us, Spork?“

Spork: “Captain, we’re still gathering data, but this universe seems to be governed by different rules than ours. There doesn’t seem to be any form of electromagnetic radiation here.”

Tempura: “So? What is the harm in that?”

Speckoff: [Leaps onto stage, draws phaser.] “Harm? Did someone say they were being harmed? It’s my job to protect against that sort of thing, because I’m … [dramatic pause, heroic pose] … the Security Officer.”

Ahoy: “No, Speckoff, it seems there is no immediate danger. Thank you for your care.”

Speckoff: [Sulkily.] “Well, all right. I’ll just go back to the Security office, then.”

Captain: “Right, thank you Ensign. You were saying, Spork?”

Spork: “As you may know, our eyes use part of the electromagnetic spectrum to see. Without that radiation, or ‘light’ as we call it, we can’t see anything outside the ship.”

Captain: “Hmmm, that seems serious. That would explain why my viewscreen is blank. [Turns to Lt. Hulu.] “Lieutenant Hulu, set our speed to Warp Zero.”

Hulu: “Aye, Captain. Warp Zero. Full stop, engines, full stop, impulse drive.”

[Turns to Comm Officer.] Lieutenant Tempura, get me Engineering.”

Tempura: “Aye, sir. [speaks into comm device] “Engineering, come in, please.”

Biscotti: “Engineering here. What can we do for you?”

Tempura: “We need you to fabricate some better sensors for us, since there doesn’t seem to be any light here. The Science Officer will send you the details.”

Biscotti: “Receiving. We’ll get on it right away. Engineering out.” [Brief pause] “Engineering here. I think we’ve got the new sensors online. We’ll put the results from our recent scan on your viewscreen.”

Captain: “Excellent work, Biscotti. [Pauses] Um, you did say you were going to put something on our viewscreen, didn’t you?”

Biscotti: “Yes, Captain. You have the full results of our scan on your screen now.”

Spork: “Engineering, we don’t see anything.”

Biscotti: “That’s right. That agrees with our scan. There’s nothing out there at all, except some kind of … Presence that can’t be seen, and possibly some water. Wait a minute … we’re getting something on the audio spectrum … “

Voice of God: “Let there be Light.”

Lt. Tempura: “Captain, we are picking up some kind of signal on all frequencies.”

Captain: “Yes, Tempura, I think we all heard it. ‘Let there be Light,’ the voice said. “

Tempura: “Yes, but Captain, our translation computer tells us that the words were spoken simultaneously in all known languages.”

Spork: “Captain, we are detecting trace radiation on all bands of the electromagnetic spectrum. Based on the origin of the audio signal and its distance from the Avis, we should be seeing something about … now.” [Bright light blossoms on the view screen.]

Speckoff: [Bounds onto the stage, wildly waving phaser.] “Did someone fire on our ship? Do we need to prepare to be boarded? I’m ready, because I’m … [pauses dramatically, poses heroicly] … the Security Officer.”

Hulu: [Somewhat impatiently.] “No, Speckoff, there doesn’t seem to be any immediate danger. Put that phaser away before you hurt someone.”

Captain: “Engineering, now that we have some kind of visible light, can we find out anything about this ‘Presence’ you were mentioning?”

Biscotti: “We can’t see anything except a painfully-bright light, Captain. Maybe you should move closer?”

Captain: “Good idea, Biscotti. [Turns to Hulu.] Lieutenant Hulu, set our course toward that light, very slowly and carefully.”

Hulu: “Aye, Captain. Engaging impulse drives, point zero one.”

Tempura: “Captain, as we move toward that brightness, I’m feeling a deep sense of shame and unworthiness. All the bad things I have done are coming to my mind.”

Hulu: “I agree, Captain. It is very unpleasant. Shall I reduce speed or change course?”

Spork: “Captain, I’m getting a reading on our sensors. The unique intensity of the light source is too great for our shields. Personally, I find it very unsettling, as if everything I ever did that was good, was not enough. We cannot endure it if we move much closer.”

[Alarms sound.]

Biscotti: “Engineering here, Captain. We can’t take much more of this! The shields won’t hold much longer! She’s breaking up!”

Captain: “Hulu, reverse course. Move back away from that Presence!”

Hulu: “Aye, Captain. Reversing course, impulse power.”

Speckoff: [Crawls onto stage, gasping.] “Captain, I’d like to be reassigned as the Cook’s assistant. I don’t think I’m cut out to be the … Security Officer … anymore. My courage seems to drain away as we approach that light … ”

Spork: [Checking readings.] “Captain, the intensity of the Presence seems to be diminished as we move away. I recommend we draw back to a respectful distance and observe.”

Captain: “Very well, Spork. [Turns to Speckoff.] No, Ensign, I do not accept your resignation. There was nothing any of us could do to resist that terrible light source. Go back to the Security Office and you’ll feel better in a little while.”

Speckoff: [Still crawling.] “Aye, aye, Captain.” [Crawls back to stairs, creeps back to Security Office.]

Captain: “I think we’ve moved back far enough, Mr. Hulu. Keep the helm pointed toward that Presence, but set our speed to warp zero.”

Hulu: “All engines full stop. Captain, we need to find out whether this Presence is an enemy or a friend. What can we tell about them so far?”

Biscotti: “I took the liberty of eavesdropping on the intercom, sir. It seems that whoever they are, they are very powerful, if we cannot even approach them. We nearly lost the shields, back there.”

Spork: “The Presence seems to be authoritative, Captain. There is a high probability that the Presence has actually caused the light to appear by merely speaking it into existence.”

Tempura: “Also, they are clearly sentient, since they have the power of speech. [Pauses to check instruments.] Captain, we’re getting something else on the hailing frequencies … “

Voice of God: “Let there be an expanse … “

Spork: “Our instruments indicate the source of the spoken words does seem to be the Presence which we could not approach. Captain, we need to understand this Being if we plan to remain here for any length of time.”

Captain: “You’re right, Spork. I need to ensure that this Being is not a threat to the ship, but even more importantly, that we do not inadvertently cause war between our people and this Being.”

Biscotti: “Captain, we’re detecting a gravitational anomaly that seems to be surrounding that mass of water directly in front of us … “

Speckoff: [Rushes back onto stage] “I feel a tractor beam! Captain, sound the general alarm! Prepare to repel boarders!” [Runs offstage wildly waving phaser.]

Spork: “I don’t think it is a tractor beam, sir. I think that the Presence who spoke is creating a gravitational field around that planet, separating the sky from the water, so that the water and atmosphere will remain associated with that planet. Our instruments detect a mineral core beneath the covering of water.”

Tempura: “Captain, it seems that the Being is actually creating this planet. Analysis of the spoken commands indicate the Being has a definite purpose in mind.”

Biscotti: “Captain, I think we need to consider the possibility that this Being is a god of some sort. The power needed to create a planet is far beyond any known technological capabilities of any known universe.”

Captain: “Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Biscotti! No one believes in God anymore. This is the 23rd century, isn’t it?”

Voice: “Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear.“

Tempura: “Once again, Captain, the message was detected on all known hailing frequencies. It is almost as though the words were woven into the fabric of space-time itself.”

Hulu: “Look, Captain! Just as the voice spoke, the water piled itself together, revealing dry land!”

Spork: “Captain, I know that you don’t believe in God, but I think you need to reconsider. The probability of this planet spontaneously coming into existence by chance approaches zero.”

Captain: “I know, I know, but I am having a hard time understanding this! None of our training at the Academy has prepared me for this!”

Biscotti: “Actually, Captain, there was one course that addressed this. Ancient Civilizations – you had it your first year at the Academy.”

Tempura: “Oh, was that the class taught by old Professor Kennington? He must’ve been at least three hundred years old!”

Hulu: “That’s right, he had been a pastor, and then after he retired, he used to come and teach that one class at the Academy! He was a funny old guy … “

Spork: “I seem to remember the class was early in the morning, Captain.”

Captain: “Oh, yeah. That was my first year. I skipped a lot of classes, especially the early ones.”

Biscotti: “Anyway, old Kennington used to go on about some ancient sacred text. He said that there was a God of some people in the middle east who claimed to have created the whole earth.”

Tempura: “Let me do a search of our computer archives … ah, here it is! The Holly Bibble.”

Hulu: “You’re the communications officer and you can’t even sound out two words? It’s ‘Holy Bible’, Lieutenant. Let’s see what it says.”

Spork: “The text seems to be divided into logical units called ‘books’, ‘chapters’ and ‘verses’. It begins with this sentence: ‘In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth.’”

Captain: [Sarcastically.] “Oh, sure. Are you suggesting that the USS Avis (‘We Try Harder’) has traveled back to the beginning of time in our own universe?”

Biscotti: “Well, it would explain the computer clocks, sir.”

Tempura: “We can find out pretty easily, sir. If this text is true, the next thing the Voice should say is, ‘Let the earth sprout vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind.’ ”

Hulu: “That would be kinda spooky, if that happened.”

Spork: “Captain, this seems a valid, logical test. If the next words spoken by the Voice match the words in this ancient text, I think we must conclude that we are witnessing the creation of our own universe.”

Captain: “Well … OK. I guess you’re right. But what are the odds of that happening?”

Voice: “Let the earth sprout vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind.”

[Captain Smirk does elaborate double-take, then freezes, as do all actors.]

Narrator: “That’s all the time we have today for this exciting skit. You probably have a lot of questions, like: Will Captain Smirk’s head explode, or will he be able to believe in God? Or will Ensign Speckoff ever face a real emergency that call for the unique talents of the … Security Officer … ? Tune in next time, for the exciting conclusion of this episode.”