Humility

Several Sundays ago I had the opportunity to work as a teacher in the 3rd and 4th grade Sunday School class at our church. Now that Summer has begun, the teachers who work year-round are off, and they must make do with substitutes like me from week to week. Kathy and I both signed up for two weeks, thinking we would work together … instead they split us up and, when the dust settled, I was only assigned to work a single week, while Kathy served in the 1st and 2nd grade class both weeks.

The theme for the Summer in the kids program for all ages is Metamorphosis … focusing on the way that God changes believers through the working of His Spirit in our hearts. It seems to be following a cool bug theme and is based on Romans 12:2:

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is … his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Of course, unless and until a person has accepted the gift of Salvation through Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit isn’t able to transform or renew, but seems to rather be limited to convicting of sin … I worry that there are kids in the program who do not know the Lord. Without the power of the Holy Spirit to effect a change in a child’s life, these kind of teachings are like so many self-help books … they sound nice but don’t accomplish much.

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Some people need a lot more than self-help books.

This week’s topic was humility … a virtue that is not taught much in the Church and not taught (or valued) at all in the world. While most educated people know to exercise some restraint in their boasting, the command in Philippians 2:3 is foreign to non-believers (and not very intuitive even for people long-steeped in the gospel):

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.”

Western humanistic and individualistic philosophers and sociologists might argue that you can only be a valued, contributing member of society to the extent that you believe in yourself. Certainly Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs seems to indicate that you must take care of yourself in order to reach ‘Self Actualization’, the pinnacle of humanistic achievement.

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The idea that I would humbly consider someone else better than myself would be dismissed by the pop psychologists of our day as sick and unhealthy. “What you really need is self-esteem!” they would cry, as though offering some panacea that will cure all society’s ills. As Kathy and I were preparing for Sunday School, I got to thinking about what the world would be like if people really followed Philippians 2:3.

First of all, people would be interested in each other. If I truly desired to serve others, putting their needs ahead of my own, I’d need to know more about them. Perhaps the biggest change of all would be that people everywhere would be talking to each other instead of wrapped-up in their own thoughts and problems.

There would tend to be very little crowding or waiting in lines for anything, since people would not be pushing their own interests or rushing to consume limited resources ahead of others.

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Of course, sometimes there are reasons why we might prefer to let others go first.

Indeed, there would be no artificial shortages, and wealth would largely be distributed among those who needed it. I suspect that there would be very little waste, since any surplus would be accompanied by a strong, proactive desire to distribute that surplus. Telemarketers would be calling around offering free stuff that really would be free, with no strings attached (but of course they would never call at dinner time).

Most people in America would probably live much more modestly than we do, but dissatisfaction in a job would be rare or possibly extinct, since anyone who was unhappy in his work would find no lack of job placement specialists eager to find him or her a better fitting position.

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It isn’t too hard to live modestly when you have S’Mores in hand.

It is hard to imagine something so basic completely overturning our current economic system, but if we all woke up one morning and truly practiced humility, this world could become a paradise.

I wonder if that is what it will be like during the thousand year reign of Christ, before the final confrontation and judgment?

Closer to home, what would it look like if I began to think of others as better than myself?

  • My speech patterns would change. I would spend less time pontificating and seizing the spotlight for myself. My words would tend to be much less judgmental and much more encouraging. I would listen a lot more than I do, and take longer to think before I would speak.
  • The use of my time would change. I would spend more time helping and serving others, less time pursuing my own recreation.
  • The use of my money would change. I would spend less effort in accumulating wealth for myself and more effort spending that wealth on others. I would become a more careful steward of what I have, if I really thought I was holding it in trust for others.
  • I would be much less likely to take offense. It would be hard to trample on my ‘rights’ since I would not be asserting them in deference to others.
  • I would make a stronger effort to be ‘nice’ … to be cheerful and pleasant and ‘safe’ to talk to … not given to cynical or sarcastic talk, but someone who you are glad to have talked to in an elevator.
  • My life would be much more joyful and contented, as I aligned myself more closely with God’s will for me. Already as I have begun to experiment with this ‘humility’ thing, I begin to enjoy God’s smile and I find myself much more prone to peace and contentment. God is on record that he resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.

I could go on and on. This simple spiritual adjustment in the way I think can have far-reaching effects on my entire life … in some sense it is the difference between living in world and living in the Kingdom of God.

One of my favorite movies is Groundhog Day, in which an intensely self-centered weatherman is forced to repeat the same day over and over again, perhaps as some kind of Karmic penance for his utter disregard for other people. Ultimately, the character Bill Murray portrays learns to love others more than himself … I think that Hollywood stumbles upon a deep spiritual truth, and does a pretty good job of painting a picture of what that would look like. As you follow weatherman Phil Connors around town on his final iteration of Groundhog Day, you see that almost everything he does is aimed at serving others, at treating them as more important than himself. He is not a cringing or fawning character, but rather moves with gracious dignity as he accomplishes the many good deeds of his day. One tiny example is the way that he greets a portly gentleman in the hallway of the bed and breakfast in which he stays … instead of brushing the man’s cheerful greeting off (as he has done many times in prior iterations), he takes the effort to respond with an gracious word, and leaves the man encouraged and with a lifted spirit as he walks away.

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Bill Murray in Groundhog Day

I guess I’d like to do more than just play Phil Connors on TV. Rather, I’d like my life to be a blessing to the people around me, showing the love of Christ so that more and more people are drawn to the One who fills me with joy.

Humility isn’t easy. Even the tiny doses which I have sampled have been hard-won and are extremely counter-intuitive to the way that I habitually think. Yet I feel a strange stirring in my heart as the Holy Spirit continues to convict and mold me into a person who can truly, if only occasionally, think of others as more important than myself.

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Father’s Day

Yesterday was Fathers’ Day. Oh, I admit that for most people this ‘Hallmark Holiday’ was celebrated on Sunday, but I have always felt that if something is worth doing, it is worth doing right.

Saturday evening, Kathy asked me, “What do you want for Fathers’ Day?” It reminded me of a scene in the movie Joe Somebody in which the main character (who has just suffered a humiliating physical encounter at his workplace) is asked, “What do you want?” This question serves as a catalyst that ultimately transforms the character; for most of us, it is a question that bears careful consideration. What do I want?

As it turns out, I want a lot of things. I would like for Jesus to return immediately and for His kingdom to be established in the New Jerusalem. I’d like there to be justice and peace and mercy and prosperity and joy. But in the context of Fathers’ Day, what did I actually want?

My initial reaction was to be self-indulgent … after all, it is a formula that I have followed faithfully for much of my life. What father wouldn’t like a day of relaxation … iced lemonade in a hammock, reading a good book, being waited on hand and foot with tasty morsels? I could maybe play a computer game or watch a movie … perhaps even take a nap?

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Taking a nap on this swing wasn’t an option — it always seems to be full of kids.

“Wait a minute!” I said to myself. “You could do all those things if you were single!” Fathers’ Day ought to be a celebration of being a father; it ought to reflect and feature those who call me ‘Daddy’, ‘Big Papa’ or ‘Dad’. (Admittedly, they mostly call me ‘Big Papa’ when they are clumping around the house in my shoes, saying things like, “No, I’M the Big Papa!” in a deep comical voice.)

After we returned home from Sunday school and church, I laid down the law:

  • Since it was Fathers’ Day, I got to pick everything we did
  • no one else was allowed to even make suggestions*
  • anything we did had to be written down on a large posterboard and could be checked off by any of the kids

*This rule was broken quite a bit, especially by the younger ones.

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Wherever there is something thrilling and a little dangerous, there is Daniel.

It was a glorious sunny day, temperatures in the upper 70s, with blue skies and a light summer breeze. Our list looked something like this:

  • Go to Sunday School
  • Go to Worship Service
  • Eat lunch
  • Thank God for Fathers’ Day
  • Read a chapter of The Magician’s Nephew (C.S. Lewis)
  • Play zookeeper
  • Read a chapter of Don’t Care High (Gordon Korman)
  • Sit on our new patio swing with my Sweetie
  • Make and consume a Strawberry-Lemonade-Mandarin slushy blend
  • Go to Lowe’s for sprinkler parts and assorted other items
  • Fix the sprinklers and play in them
  • Eat a delicious supper (steak, hamburgers and shrimp)
  • Read a chapter of a Sugar Creek Gang book (Jim Hutchens)
  • Go to Samuel’s birthday party

By the end of the day, all those things had been checked off in various shades of permanent marker.

On Monday I was off and when I woke up, I thought to myself: “Yesterday was really fun, but it was a little short. Why not do it all again?”

Nobody seemed to have a good answer to that, except Kathy, who thought the kids ought really to do some school. I managed to persuade her by offering her the opportunity to go off for a few hours to Home Depot and Barnes and Noble by herself on a decorating fact-finding trip.

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Sometimes David announces, out of the blue, “Mom, I just need a blend.

It was another even more glorious day, with temperatures in the mid-80′s and skies even bluer than the day before … a day made for water games and contemplating the goodness of God. So we started the second half of our list:

  • Read Magician’s Nephew
  • Sit on the patio swing and read my own book
  • Set up the video capture software/hardware to convert Joshua’s play to DVD
  • Play a computer game (this solitary pursuit was sharply criticized by David)
  • Eat lunch (graciously provided by Kathy before she slipped off on her mission)
  • Have a water balloon fight (or two)
  • Set up the Slip ‘N Slide (water slide) and play on it
  • Read Sugar Creek Gang
  • Read Don’t Care High
  • Break down and recycle boxes in the garage
  • Do a little yard work
  • Play zookeeper
  • Eat supper
  • Watch a Little House on the Prairie episode
  • Eat ice cream
  • Go to bed

We finished the Magician’s Nephew (I managed not to tear up over Digory’s concern for his dying mother) and I spent a long time watching the kids play on the Slip ‘N Slide and reading my book, with Sarah just sitting companionably beside me. The little ones skipped their nap both days; Sarah is still young enough to need some down-time. She lay across the swing cushions with her feet on my lap … whenever I would look up from my book, she would tell me, “Read, Daddy!” I’m not sure if she thought I would send her to bed if I stopped reading, or if she was also just enjoying our companionable swinging, but I was more than happy to oblige. I took a few moments to reflect on the grace and love of God, such that I, who have so many faults, have been privileged to be Father to five delightful children.

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I actually got the water balloon fight on film, but no still-shot pictures except this aftermath.

At supper time I was again exclaiming over the glorious sunshine and blue skies, and said (as I do at least three or four times every summer): “Kids, take note of this day. You will probably only have a hundred days like this in your entire life … cherish it well.” They all nodded appreciatively until Kathy said, “Wait a minute! You’ve already had a lot more than a hundred of these days!”

I felt rather sheepish … it is true. I think I’ve had more than my fair share, and I hope I haven’t taken any away from someone else. I mumbled something about how many of them are seen only through an office or school window, and that actually getting out IN the day was what was so rare, but my heart wasn’t really in it. Truth is, I’ve had several hundred days like yesterday which remind me of the famous Calvin and Hobbes comic strip:

Calvin: My elbows are grass-stained, I’ve got sticks in my hair, I’m covered with bug bites and cuts and scratches…I’ve got sand in my socks leaves in my shirt, my hads are sticky with sap, and my shoes are soaked! I’m hot dirty, sweaty, itchy and tired.
Hobbes: I say consider this day seized!
Calvin: Tomorrow we’ll seize the day and throttle it!

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100th Blog

This is a momentous occasion (for some definitions of ‘momentous,’ or, for that matter, of ‘occasion’). The Duckabush Edgren Blog has been up and running since February 2004. This week Tim wrote the 99th blog entry. As we were approaching this lofty number, Tim asked me if I would be willing to write the celebratory blog. I agreed readily but have been struggling to figure out what to write. Tim’s blogs are so insightful and encouraging and often spiritually challenging, I am intimidated to write along side him.

I asked the kids for help on ideas and Joshua suggested I write about centipedes or centimeters or maybe even centuries. He’s a big help. I considered listing 100 things I was thankful for but thought that might result in a bit of an odd, unwieldy blog.

Finally I came up with something that sounded fun and interesting (always a good place to start writing) although still long. Our 100th Duckabush Blog will be full of 100 things about our family, our busy lives, our interests and loves, and so on. The children will each help me with a section. I hope you enjoy getting another peek into our lives.

Joshua
1) First born, tall, smart, thoughtful, helpful
2) Interested in drama (starred in Sir Nose the Burger Rat as Sir Nose)
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Joshua starring in the lead role

3) Favorite thing to bake: waffles (makes breakfast in bed for the birthday family member on their special day)
4) Favorite card game: Authors
5) Favorite Book: Iron Scepter
6) Best Loved School Subject: History (we’re finishing up with the second part of American History this year)
7) Worked with Grandpa this year to build a loft for his room
8) Best thing about living in Lakewood: Homeschool co-op and Lake City Church
9) Looking forward to our trip to Michigan, Wilderness NW Day Camp in mid-July, and Miracle Camp in August
10) Best thing about the month of June, 2005: the cousins moved to Washington

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Joshua enjoying some homemade ice cream

11) Fun Friday Tradition: sleepovers in Daniel’s room with the rest of the kids
12) New Friends in the ‘city’: Stuart, Timothy, Philip, Logan, and Nigel
13) Hardest Thing from the Year: Presidential Fitness Testing at the Y
14) Special Mondays with Daddy: Train Day to Seattle topped the list as best so far
15) Yummiest Meal: fried chicken, scalloped potatoes, and ice cream pie
16) Big Brother Role: wrestling with David

Rachel
17) Second born, beautiful, petite, honest, animal lover
18) Hardest part of gymnastics: bar (pull-overs with back hip circle)
19) Best part of gymnastics: being with friends and learning new moves
20) New Friends this year: Emily, Abigail, and Kayla

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Rachel sitting in a future window at the Refuge

21) Latest book read: Goose’s Gold, A to Z Mysteries
22) Favorite computer game: Petz 3
23) Hardest school subject—tie between Math and Phonics
24) Longest Bible verse memorized this year: I Corinthians 10:6
25) Best of the Special Mondays with Daddy: Big Day in Seattle

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One of the big trips with Tim on a Special Monday

26) Most unusual visitor this year: Myrtle the Turtle
27) Old friends who are missed: Leanne, Alivia, Leah, and Ema
28) Color she wants to paint her room this summer: aqua blue and purple
29) Exciting Event of the Spring—trip to Wild Waves Water Park (first time on a roller coaster)
30) Reward for saying the Books of the Bible: lunch out at KFC with Sunday School class
31) Favorite evening treat—shopping with Mommy
32) Practices the piano over at Grandma and Grandpa’s house

Daniel
33) Third born, fast, handsome, fun
34) Good friends in Lakewood: Jesse, Adam, and JJ
35) Most recent movie seen: an episode of Blondie (black and white)
36) Currently reading: The Boxcar Children
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One of Daniel’s birthday presents from Grandma and Grandpa

37) Special Treat of the Week: Rainbow Sherbet at Baskin Robbins
38) Favorite breakfast cereal: Fruity Pebbles
39) Likes to do Explode the Code (phonics) in school
40) Did gymnastics and swimming this year at the Y
41) Very excited about going to Michigan
42) Favorite computer game: Age of Empires (likes to play with Daddy or Zachary B. as often as possible)
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Daniel and Zachary eating ice cream on the jungle climber

43) Didn’t drown at Wild Waves but had a scare
44) Liked the Timber Hawk ride best at Wild Waves (roller coaster)
45) So glad to have a cousin move to town
46) Very cheerful and willing to play outside with David and Sarah
47) Asked for a short hair cut like Zachary B.
48) Good at fixing things, very helpful around the house

David
49) Fourth Born, blond, talkative, sensitive, special
50) Favorite things in gymnastics at the Y—jumping on the trampoline and playing in the “pit”
51) Talks often about his good friend, Gus, from the Duckabush
52) Big transitions this year: Cubbies in Awana and Sunday School Class (not the nursery) in church
53) Likes to do school for a little bit then is ready to play
54) Wants Daddy to “walk him on the ceiling” as soon as Tim walks in the door from work
55) Swings every day on the swing set outside

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These two are ready to throw some water balloons!

56) Loves to watch movies and play Playmobil with Sarah upstairs
57) Went to BSF this year with Mommy and Sarah
58) Begs to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s house
59) Has three bathing suits and thinks we should buy Sarah some more as well

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Hot day in Washington

60) Loves presents from small treats to clothes, likes to be remembered
61) Has been to Texas to visit his great grandmother: likes to swim there and ride the golf cart with Grandad
62) Is very particular about his clothes: likes to pick out his own things and cares about colors and styles
63) Must put on his socks every morning before getting dressed for the day
64) Wants to please God

Sarah

65) Fifth and last born, adorable, long wavy hair, definitely the little princess of the family
66) Adores her brother David, looks out for him and wants to be with him most of the day

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Swinging out at the Duckabush

67) Recently potty trained: Yay!
68) Wants to play with anything that belongs to Rachel (the more beloved by Rachel, the better)
69) Moved out of the crib and into the bottom bunk this year
70) Likes to read books, especially The Apple Tree Farm series
71) Already knows how to pose for pictures

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This girl looks very ready to sleep!

72) Favorite game with Daddy: Zoo Keeper
73) Loves dresses and the colors pink and purple
74) Likes to talk on the phone but mostly just smiles into the receiver
75) Is always ready to go to Grandma’s house to play
76) Went to BSF this year with Mommy and David
77) Scared of big dogs but loves to give treats to Martin the guinea pig
78) Calls Avery (from the Duckabush) her “best friend”
79) Thrilled to have a new back pack for the trip to Michigan
80) Sometimes falls asleep on the couch watching movies

Tim

81) Working 4 long days with Mondays off
82) Mondays are Special Kid days full of adventures and field trips and books
83) Continues to enjoy the train part of his job commute—good chance to read, write, study the Bible, work and even watch movies
84) Currently hooked on www.popcap.com games
85) Always looking for a new, great computer game

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These are the new backpacks for our trip to Michigan–yay!

86) Very glad to have his brother (and family) living here in Washington … if only for all the books he can scam (I mean borrow) off him
87) Misses the Duckabush but enjoying life in the “city”
88) Stays up too late—never quite gets rested during the work week
89) Loves a gorgeous sunny day with a bright blue sky and a view of The Mountain somewhere nearby
90) Is the best father and husband ever!!

Kathy

91) Jumped right into all the “city” activities this year with BSF, a homeschooling co-op, Awana for the kids, a membership to the YMCA with special homeschooling PE classes twice a week
92) Loves the Mondays when Tim takes all the children off for a LONG adventure and gives her the day to herself
93) Likes living back in the suburbs—has made some great new friends and found a wonderful church
94) Currently off sugar, wheat, and flour as well as caffeine and NutraSweet (ie no diet Coke!!)
95) Favorite popcap game—Bejeweled
96) Wishes friends lived closer to play Settlers of Catan and Carcassonne more often

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Kathy and Tina as the royalty in the game of Scum

97) Watches movie trailers online whenever there’s a good new one available
98) Occasionally will have a clean house, be caught up on laundry and have dinner made all on the same day but counters it with overdue library books
99) Lost her beloved Nana this Spring
100) Is the most blessed mother and wife ever!

There you have it—100 odd and trivial things about our family. If you made it this far, I hope you enjoyed the patch work glimpse.

Kathy—Until next time

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How to lose 20 pounds

A couple of Wednesdays ago I took a long lunch so I could meet with a recruiter from another company. I was disappointed with a recent raise from my employer, and I thought I would at least see what other opportunities were out there. I had my own preconceptions about how the meeting would go, and braced myself for the difficult task of being honest about my abilities yet putting my best foot forward.

At the very outset, my interviewer (who I’ll call ‘Bob’) identified himself as a Christian. This happens to me a fair bit in direct-hire interviews, since the first line in my ‘Personal Information’ section reads: “I am a dedicated follower of Jesus Christ.” I’ve been told that this may close certain employment doors to me, but I’m OK with that. (When I go through contracting firms, I usually find that they have edited that line out of my resume before presenting it to prospective clients … sort of pathetic, but not surprising.)

It rapidly became apparent that the potential position would not offer the salary I was seeking, and so I prepared to gently disengage myself from the interview and head back to the office. We had originally made plans to go to lunch, but I didn’t want to hold to that plan since I was of no further value to Bob or his company.

We chatted for a few minutes to save face, and I seized the opportunity to ask Bob about how his faith made a difference in the workplace. Coming up on the age of 40 as I am, I worry about accomplishing something in my life for the Kingdom of God, and wonder how I can make my work meaningful in an eternal context.

Bob had little to offer me in that regard, but it turned out that God had placed him in my path for an entirely different purpose.

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Foxglove, aka Digitalis, growing near the Duckabush House

For a long time I have been harboring bitterness and resentment against several people whom I felt had wronged me. The Holy Spirit has been convicting me of my sin in this regard for some time, now, and just this last Communion Sunday I felt that I needed to confess my unforgiving and grudge-holding spirit. Bob gently reminded me of Hebrews 12:14-15:

“Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

He went on to tell me about a number of things that had happened to him, ranging from years of chronic pain culminating in the loss of a limb, to the death of relationships and betrayal on the deepest levels by close relatives. I trembled to think of how penny-ante my issues were compared to the gut-wrenching offenses that had been perpetrated against this man.

He told me about a vision that he had received from God. It began with a view of a three-tiered prison block with a guard standing on the walkway of the middle tier. As the image zoomed in, he saw that the guard was himself, complete with uniform and nightstick, and that the occupants of the cells were each of the people who had wronged him. He remembers feeling a deep sense of anger and a fierce anticipation of nightfall, when he would be able to harass the occupants of the cells with his nightstick. Then suddenly he heard the Lord say, “This is how you see it, but THIS is how it really is.” The scene changed, and he found himself a prisoner in one of the cells, and Jesus was the guard. He could feel the solidity of the bars and the tightness of his confinement, and a longing to be free. The Lord came to his cell door and asked him if he wanted to come out. “Yes!” was his answer — but the Lord only replied, “Good, I’ll be back.” Three times this happened, and on the third time the Lord told him to reach into his pocket and hand through the bars the keys to the other cells. “Once I’ve let them out, I’ll come back for you,” He told Bob.

This story impressed me deeply, because I could see that Bob wasn’t showing any bitterness against these people. Even when telling me of the wrongs and betrayals, he was matter-of-fact and did not leak outrage the way that I do when I am nursing a root of bitterness.

Then he looked me in the eye and said to me: “There are two things you need to know about forgiveness. One, forgiveness is not about their worthiness. Two, it is not about how you feel … forgiveness is a choice.”

The idea of forgiveness being a choice really resonated with me — something I have long understood to be true about love. My ethics professor (most colleges have at most one of these) always used to say, “Love is a choice. The best one-word definition of love is commitment.” All marriages have their ups and downs — the ones that are based on feelings don’t tend to last very long. Some days I just don’t ‘feel’ like loving — but my love for my wife is steadfast, a choice I made regardless of how I feel. It seems that forgiveness is a decision as well … not some fluffy feeling I need to sustain every day.

We talked a while about the availability and abundance of God’s grace when we are obedient and choose to forgive, and how useless it is to try to forgive someone in our own strength. Sitting in a busy food court over a bowl of corn chowder, I realized that God had slowly been bringing me to the point where I was willing to release my resentment and bitterness against these people, regardless of whether they ever apologized or even knew or understood that they had wronged me. In light of my own sin and desperate need for forgiveness, how could I not release these fellow prisoners from my petty resentful grudge?

Thinking about this encounter the rest of the day, I planned for some decisive and dramatic moment that evening when I would ‘officially’ lay down my bitterness on the altar and make the choice to forgive. Driving home from the train station, I realized that I had already made the choice and was feeling the absence of the burden of that grudge I had been carrying. It is a pretty good way to lose 20 pounds, I think.

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Here are two little people who barely weigh 20 pounds …

It is strange to go off to an interview expecting to be asked all kinds of technical questions, and instead to encounter two hours of intense spiritual counseling … just another reminder that so many of the events in our lives are according to God’s appointment book, not ours. I wonder what the Holy Spirit has penciled-in for me today?

5:48 am … wake Tim up with a song about my faithfulness
6:22 am … give Tim a choice between running a yellow light or developing patience
6:38 am … give Tim a chance to exercise courtesy in holding open a door for an older woman
6:40 … 7:05 am … teach Tim about my plans for the New Jerusalem during the millennium
7:25 am … convict Tim about being mean to his wife yesterday
7:50 am … meet Tim on the corner of 8th and King disguised as a homeless person

… and so on.

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Disappointment

Several weeks ago I was sharply disappointed. I have been waiting for more than a month to hear the results of my annual performance review as it applies to my compensation … a subject that closely rivets my attention. Some time ago I received the narrative part of the review and was delighted to see that, in the view of my boss and peers, I had performed beyond expectations for my level and position. This was particularly welcome in light of the high performance standard and stringent hiring requirements that my employer maintains. I began to allow myself to hope for a generous increase, which turns out to have been a mistake … the small increase I did receive was half of my most conservative hopes.

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My hopes weren’t quite this high, but I did expect something fairly generous.

Accounting for bonuses and ignoring inflation, I am earning substantially less now than I did when I was laid off in 2002 … not quite the career path I had planned. With our Duckabush house mortgage on top of the cost for this house in Lakewood, we are not making great strides (or even a slow shuffle) toward financial security; rather we seem to be consuming our tax refund and increasing our debt level. I had really looked for a salary increase as a validation of my worth and a badly-needed affirmation of my ability to provide for my family, especially after a recent 17-month stint of unemployment. It seems very important to me to be able to bring nice things home to my family, to continually improve our lifestyle.

A large part of my satisfaction at work is tied up with my hope for the future. That hope was sharply dashed … the level of salary increase seems starkly out of step with the positive nature of my performance review. When the dust settles, actions mean a lot more than words … based on compensation, I am inclined to believe that my career prospects may be rather limited with my current employer.

As I drove home from the train station yesterday, I wondered, “Is God stingy?” Does God hold back financial blessing from me out of a sense of miserly mean-spiritedness? Why, when I have (at least in my own mind) clearly earned it, would I not reap the benefits of my hard work? As those thoughts passed through my mind, I looked to the east and saw Mt. Rainier in all its lofty glory, shouting God’s attributes with 14,000+-foot authority. Surely the God that created such lofty heights is not stingy … a stingy God would stick to rolling hills topping out at 3000 feet or less.

So then I must conclude that this salary increase is part of God’s plan for me, and He is doing something in my life through this perceived injustice. Several theories come to mind:

  • I don’t handle disappointment very well at all. Perhaps God is teaching me to look to Him when my hopes are dashed.
  • I continue to look to my own ability to provide for my family, rather than trusting in God. Perhaps He is reminding me to rely on Him for all my needs.
  • I do not respond well to injustice, especially when I am the one being treated unjustly. When all is said and done, I would have to admit that I have mostly failed to learn this lesson in the past. Perhaps God is continuing to teach me to wait for His justice, waiving my ‘rights’ for personal, immediate justice.
  • I am not known for my patience, and will often choose the path of least resistance. Perhaps God is motivating me to make the most of the opportunities for learning in my current employment situation … in a weird sort of way, lack of generous financial remuneration motivates me to more aggressively seek some other advantage in terms of on-the-job learning. It probably wouldn’t hurt me to learn a little more patience, either, although it pains me to admit this.

I’ve been reading in Isaiah lately, chapters 30 and 31, wherein the prophet warns the people against reliance on Egypt for their defense and deliverance:

“Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help, who rely on horses, who trust in the multitude of their chariots and in the great strength of their horsemen, but do not look to the Holy One of Israel, or seek help from the Lord.” Isaiah 31:1

This is a repeated theme in the Old Testament … horses and chariots must have been really cool by the technological standards of the time, because the people of Israel are warned against trusting in them on multiple occasions. God’s desire was for His people to trust in Him, not in the worldly power of Egypt. Interestingly enough, Egypt is often synonymous with wealth and ease in the Scriptures … I suspect I am not reaching too far in applying this warning to my own situation. Certainly all those who trust in wealth or their own hands will be put to shame sooner or later. But is it wrong to want to work hard and enjoy the fruits of that labor?

My initial reaction is to jump ship … now that I am not tied to living in the Duckabush, surely I can find an employer who will value my experience and abilities, if not in Seattle, then somewhere else? One advantage of growing up as an Army brat is that moving holds no particular terror for me … for my own part, I would see moving to another state or country as more of an adventure than something to be feared.

On the other hand, I think that there are many things I could still learn, working where I am now. Is there any virtue in sticking it out, persevering beyond this perceived injustice, making the most of this employment opportunity?

I asked Kathy and the kids last night this question: “Which do you think would be better? Should I seek to make a lot of money, to be happy in my work, or to work in a field that accomplishes something for God?” Certainly there is no money to be made in programming for a Christian organization. I feel as though this job provides none of the three, which seems a definite lose-lose situation.

Yet the thought of leaving my current situation somehow saddens me. Call it cognitive dissonance, but I like working there for some reason. I like a lot of the people, I like the dynamic nature of the company, I like the idea (even if I don’t take advantage of it as much as I could) of learning new technologies.

I talked it over with my boss and learned that I was not particularly singled out for stingy treatment … apparently my employer is not lavish with annual increases but relies on other factors to retain employees. I’m not sure I find this particularly comforting, but there is at least a reasonably well-defined path for advancement within my organization, if I am willing to exert myself.

By a strange coincidence, I started a new project yesterday afternoon which provided me an opportunity to learn something new … I had more fun in my work yesterday than I have since I started this job. I found myself still working at 10:30 pm last night … full of energy and enthusiasm … this kind of experience has been rare in my current assignment. Was this God’s creative way of encouraging me to persevere?

As I have done many times, I cast myself into the hands of God, for Him to do with me as He wills. I choose to let Him carry the burden of any injustice that has been done, and will let Him take care of the needs (and wants) of my family. If this means that I take another job, then I will do so carefully, trusting in God to guide me in making that decision. If it means we do not buy a house, then we will continue to rent, and if necessary move to a smaller house, trusting in God for our long-term financial well-being. If it means we must give up the Duckabush house, then we will trust God for a place to retire, and count on Him for comfort in the loss of that dream.

Just outside Seattle there is a place where my train pauses at a signal to allow a southbound train to pass. It is one of the ugliest places on the planet … railroad tracks branching into industrial yards, graffiti-covered concrete warehouses standing amidst mounds of discarded ship chains and stacks of rusty rails. Yet in the morning sunshine, a wild bunny hops daintily amidst the piles of junk, looking for a dandelion poking up through the asphalt. It reminds me of the remarkable way that God can take an ugly situation and make something beautiful of it, and it gives me hope. I’ve certainly seen Him do it before, and I can rely on Him.

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:29-31

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