Kathy’s parents have been visiting us for the past few days, in a whirlwind of shopping and home improvement projects. Staying only five days, they helped Kathy to select, purchase and install new window blinds and curtains in most of the windows on the ground floor of our home, as well as an assortment of other home projects.

It is always fun to have Mamie and Grandad visit us. They usually stay at a local hotel, and we all split our time between our house and the hotel, where the kids love to swim and pillage the continental breakfast. They often invite a couple of kids to spend the night at the hotel, and a festive air surrounds their visit, devoid of work and school responsibilities. If I can, I take off from work at least a day or two while they’re here, and we usually eat out at least one or two nights.

Some said the pool was too small, those folks can just sit out for a spell.

One of the things I like best about a visit from Kathy’s folks is the effect it has on my heart toward my wife. We’ve been married, now, for nearly 17 years, and life is not always roses and Nutella. I notice in myself a tendency to take my wife for granted, and even sometimes an inclination to view her as an obstacle to my selfish pursuits.

When Kathy’s folks come for a visit, they invariably seek to be a blessing to her in some tangible way. Cindy takes her clothes-shopping, and Bill busies himself repairing and improving our home. They so obviously love and cherish their daughter, striving to please and delight their firstborn and only daughter. I find myself seeing her in a new light, competitively not wanting to be left out.

It’s never easy saying goodbye. The fog hides our tears.

It is times like this that I remember that Kathy is ‘my’ wife in the sense that she was entrusted to me, not like ‘my car’ or ‘my shoes’ as a possession or piece of property. In good faith, Bill and Cindy gave their blessing to our union, handing her off to me at the altar. I’m sure they had the expectation that I would love, protect and encourage their daughter, that I would promote her spiritual growth, and would lay down my life for her as we raise our family together. I really like being reminded of the promises I made when we were wed, in the presence of God and so many witnesses.

We watched the Fireproof movie last night, recently purchased from Amazon as soon as it became available. At one point in the story, the husband discovers that one of his wife’s co-workers is trying to win her heart. He visits the man in his office, and puts him on notice: “I know what you’re doing,” he challenges, “ … I know you’re trying to win my wife’s heart. I know I’ve made some mistakes, but I still love her, and since I’m married to her, I think that gives me an advantage.”

Kathy’s parents and I are not locked in a competitive struggle for Kathy’s heart, but it is good for me to see the way they love her and to be challenged to ‘take it up a notch’ myself.

I often brag at what a wonderful mother-in-law I have.

Last summer I had the opportunity to take on a side project for an association of physicians based in Switzerland. With Kathy’s gentle prodding encouragement, I finally finished the project and (after a few delays) was generously paid for my work. I told her that, after deducting tithe, expenses and taxes, we would split the money 50/50, to be placed in our ‘Unaccountable’ budget accounts.

At first Kathy was reluctant. “Shouldn’t we spend that money on debt reduction?” she questioned. “Dave Ramsey says that we should put every extra bit of money toward reducing our debt.” We both bowed toward Financial Peace Plaza in Franklin, TN, mecca to Dave Ramsey groupies everywhere.

A wistful longing flickered in her eyes. Sticking to a budget (or even mostly sticking to a budget) these past 10 months has been very hard for both of us.

“You can spend your half on reducing the debt if you like,” I said, ruthlessly. “But I’m spending mine on something fun.”

I buried myself in computer catalogs and began to gleefully spend my half on cool devices that come in foam-padded boxes. Kathy didn’t say a word about how she was going to spend her new riches, and I pondered this in my heart.

When her parents arrived, she leapt into action. “We’re going to Lowes to pick out some window treatments,” she announced on Saturday. Soon she returned with new wooden blinds, curtain rods and a variety of curtains, and the home decorating project began. Cindy contributed some new pillows, and Bill jumped into action installing the blinds and curtain rods, a loving gift of service that consumed much of his remaining visit time. Kathy agonized over each element of the redecorating effort, encouraged and supported by her mom.

At one point, Kathy asked me, “How much do you think I’ve spent on this?” She likes to play these kind of guessing games to gently ease me into shocking expenses. My guess was less than a fourth of what she spent, but I was too cagey to admit it.

When I finally discovered how much it all cost, I opened my mouth.

“What a waste of money,” I thundered. “You could have bought a really nice [insert electronic device here] for that kind of dough,” I wailed.

I closed my mouth on those words before they escaped my lips, grinding them carefully between my teeth and twisting my lips into the semblance of a smile. “How fun,” I squeaked, schooling my face into a positive expression. “Do you like the new blinds and curtains?”

“Aren’t you upset at how much I spent?” Kathy asked me.

“Nope,” I assured her, regaining my composure. “That’s why it is called ‘Kathy’s Unaccountable Money’. You don’t have to give account for it, it is yours to spend, any way you like.”

Rachel and Grandad steal a hug.

Warming to my lecture in the presence of my oldest son, I heard myself continue: “People value different things, differently. It is foolish for me to expect that you would want to buy computers or Nutella (although you could’ve bought at least a small jar) – you get your joy from making our home look pretty. I know you’ve waited a long time to do this, and you and the kids are here at home for a good part of every day, if this is how you want to spend your money, then why should I complain?”

I was amazed at the reasonable sound of my own voice. Who was this wise husband, spouting such words with hardly a grimace or twitch?

I checked my heart. Resentment? Nope. As I spoke, the words had become true.

There are things that are the same for everyone; moral standards, for example; if you steal, it is just exactly as bad as when I steal. Our skin color or economic condition have no effect on the morality — sin is sin, no matter who does it. But some things are relative, even between like-minded people, and the way people spend money seems often to fall in this second list. Your ‘wasteful’ expenditures may seem ‘foolish’ or ‘poor stewardship’ to me, yet (assuming the money is not borrowed or stolen) it may really come down to a value judgment. I may deplore your taste, but I am foolish if I try to claim moral high ground over you in a matter of style.

I am especially cognizant of the need not to throw stones as I think about the way I spend my money.

Another lovely visit (if too short) with Mamie and Grandad.

The curtains and blinds look very sophisticated and pretty, in our living room. I hope that they are pleasing to Kathy’s eye for as long as necessary for her to feel she got ‘good value’ out of them, whatever that means in this context. I figure I’ve already got my money’s worth out of ‘em, if I can only internalize my own teaching.

Tim

I spent the evening talking, praying and brushing up on my PowerPoint 2007 skills.

In just about that order.

Tim wears many hats these days - father, programmer, husband, church elder, NOT a day trader, and lately a small group coach. Along with several other men, he helps train, pray and uphold the Bible study leaders at our church. Earlier this week he asked if I would join him this evening to meet with a couple. It was an opportunity to encourage, support and pray for them as they begin a new year of small group Bible study with several other young families.

It also fell on a Thursday night.

Thursday - my weekly homeschool co-op night of panic where I put away our books from the week and gather the lesson plans and assorted materials for my three co-op classes. As an optimist and procrastinator, I usually underestimate how long preparing for these (very different) classes will take me, and delay the work until the last possible moment.

Yep, optimism and procrastination. It’s a beautiful combination, I must tell you.

As I thought about Tim’s request, a picture came to mind of my parents as they spend time counseling and visiting with beloved members of their church. Many times I have called them during the afternoon or evening and caught them on their way to the hospital to meet a new baby or sit with someone who is dying.

Birth and death, it seems at times, greet them equally as part of a pastor’s family.

“With all of you children grown and raising your own families, I can go with your father on his pastoral calls,” my mom has told me over and over. “It is an incredible gift to join him in ministering this way. Even if I am busy, I try to make sure I always say ‘yes’ when he invites me.”

Even if I am busy.

What a godly example! I am constantly humbled by the work of my parents and in-laws as they work for Kingdom of the Lord.

So, I did my best to plan ahead. I worked on my lesson plans Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I printed and copied papers in advance. I enlisted Joshua and Tim’s help in my PowerPoint presentation.

And I joined my husband in a time of fellowship and prayer with another couple. We laughed, talked, and prayed together. I was even treated to a delicious Americano made right in their welcoming kitchen. God is working and, when I am not too busy, He lets me join in His work.

Tim has begun to pray faithfully for these small group leaders. Each evening he gets down on his knees and lifts up these believers; praying for their marriage, their families, and their impact as Bible study leaders in our church. I am convicted by his example, dedication and passion.

Even if I am busy.

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Phil 1:4-6

Kathy

If you read this, and think of me, I would so appreciate your prayers for our busy Friday. I am fighting a cold of some sort (sore throat) and will be sadly lacking on sleep. I teach three classes during the day, starting at 9 am, and not ending until 2:30 pm.

Thank you!

No, I’m not referring to a Brat Pack film about unrequited love and a forgotten birthday from the early 80’s. Instead, I’m privileged and delighted to celebrate the 16th anniversary of my wedding to the girl of my dreams.

“Daddy, I’m not sure I want to go through with this … “

As we stood in the hallway this afternoon, sneaking a quick smooch, Kathy asked me, “Doesn’t it seem like yesterday, that we were living upstairs from Nancy in our little Stamford apartment?”

It does seem only a few years ago … I remember when it was just the two of us, and we still felt like kids, just pretending to be married people until the real grownups came home and sent us off to our rooms.

Mr. and Mrs. Edgren take their first few steps together …

Time’s relentless current has swept us through the years, and here we are with five children, less energy, a very full and busy life, and just a little more wisdom, than when we started. In all this I have learned one important thing: to give thanks. We have so much to be thankful for, so (as any good parent will agree) I should write a thank-you note.

A Thank-You Note to God

Thank you, dear Jesus, for loving us and for saving us from our sin through your death on the cross. Thank you for adopting us into your family and giving us the Holy Spirit to guide us in joy and righteousness. Thank you for arranging our lives so that we could meet at a time when we were both capable of loving and being loved.

Thank you for protecting us from being too intimate (with others and with each other) before we were married. Thank you for blessing us with good communication skills, and with a good marriage. Thank you for teaching us how to fight gently, and for restraining our speech so we didn’t say things that would hurt each other deeply.

Thank you for giving me the ability to work and earn a good living, and thank you for helping us manage our money. Thank you for blessing us with the courage and desire to raise five children, and for giving us the fertility to conceive them and bring them into the world. Thank you for growing us in maturity and grace, and for helping us to build our faith and our love for you.

Thank you for giving us excellent examples in our parents, of marriages built for the long haul. Thank you for allowing some trouble in our lives, so that we could learn to hope and persevere. Thank you for sixteen great years of life together.

I have some regrets about my life. I wasted some years in high school, fighting spitefully with my parents. I spent nearly a decade getting through college, carelessly losing my scholarship and taking a lot more time to grow up than I should have needed. But I can’t say that I regret any of the years since I found my sweet Kathy — she has filled up my days with fun and joy and purpose and meaning, as we build our family and present it as our offering to our Lord.

They say that if you kiss a girl at the top of this bridge, you’ll be with her forever. Kathy and I took extra care to make sure.

Indeed, candles are a poor metaphor, burning out so quickly and dribbling inedible wax on the cake. Perhaps it would be better to speak of jewels in a crown, one for each year that we have enjoyed, loving and serving each other as unto the Lord. A few months ago we had the chance to honor a couple at our church who had been married some sixty-plus years. As the applause of the congregation washed over the white-haired pair, I quietly resolved, “unless the Lord takes us home, there’s Kathy and I in fifty years.”

These days many think that when marriage gets tough, they are free to walk. Others don’t bother with marriage at all, and some misguided folk even think same-sex relationships should be called ‘marriages’. Kathy and I place a high value on marriage in the sight of God, between a man and a woman, and we continue to honor our vow from that day, sixteen years ago: ‘Til death do us part. My heart still skips a beat when I look at her sometimes … not because she’s still a 21-year-old hottie, but because our love and trust and investment in each other has grown and grown over these years.

Happy Anniversary, Beloved.

Husbands - love your wives.

Wives - respect your husbands.

How can this teaching be so simple and yet so profound?

Your spouse isn’t wrong, just different. Can you accept that he or she has needs that you don’t share?

These were some of the questions which challenged us this weekend at a Love and Respect video conference hosted by our church. We went as a family. Joshua and Rachel served in the children’s department, the rest of the kids were, um, children IN the children’s department. We brought treats, welcomed people as best we could in our (always late) manner, and helped put away chairs and tables at the end.

We did walk away with 3 leftover pizzas so the time obviously wasn’t wasted.

Oh, yes and we also left with a renewed commitment to practice love and respect in our marriage. A reminder that we have have tools available to us in a conflict.

In the afternoon we had a family meeting. Time to talk about finances, budgets, and other exciting topics. Nothing like hitting some of the big issues!

We watched some sermon clips from Pastor Mark at Mars Hill Church in Seattle, listened to several discussions on stewardship with Randy Alcorn, and were challenged by some words from John Piper on the prosperity gospel.

Just your typical afternoon viewing.

We ended the day with the rest of our Pollyanna movie.

How about you? If you have children, do you wrestle over the big issues with them? Do you talk about tithing and stewardship? Do you discuss the problems facing the poverty stricken people in other countries? Do you let them see that marriage takes WORK? Do you let them see you struggle?

Tim and I are both spenders, not a saver between us. As our children have gotten older, they participate in our conversations over money, debt and stewardship. They see our weaknesses and faults.

It’s humbling to know they are aware of your flaws.

I hope amidst it all they also see we are striving to grow and follow Jesus.

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed his steps; I have kept to his way without turning aside. Job 22:10-11

Kathy

After eight days away from our children, Kathy and I were agreed: it was time for them to come home.

Too bad Grandma and Grandpa brought them home in the van — this way would have been more stylish.

We thoroughly enjoyed our break away from our duties as Mom, Dad, programmer and teacher, but as the days slipped away, our hearts returned to our little family. In short, we missed ‘em.

Brick paths and brick buildings under a cool October sky …

We are spiritually and relationally renewed; or if not, it wasn’t from a lack of trying. The church leadership retreat challenged the depth of our commitment to our Lord, and helped us to build some closer relationships with the staff and ministry leaders. Our trip to the east coast was a delightful mix of catching up with old friends and revisiting old haunts without feeling too er, old.

It was wonderful to connect with Rachel and to see several other good friends, like Emily and Dave.

I had hoped for a little more time for Kathy and I to spend alone, but (in retrospect), I think the weekend was a perfect mix of unhurried time with friends while still leaving some ‘down time’ for Kathy and I to be alone together.

One thing I always liked about W&M was the reassuring fact that nearly 300 years’ worth of students had attended and (apparently) survived beyond their college years.

Kathy and I were graduated from the College of William and Mary, one of the nation’s oldest colleges. Located in Williamsburg, Virginia, William and Mary was the first U.S. college to become a University (offering a graduate degree program in 1779). Nestled up against the restored historic district of Colonial Williamsburg, and just a short drive from Jamestown, the College enjoys a rich heritage and historic charm that is well appreciated by many students and their families.

It is always fun to walk around Colonial Williamsburg and interact with the costumed actors.

I first attended the College in the Fall of 1983, taking advantage of a full Army R.O.T.C. scholarship. After two years of playing wargames and frisbee (while attending only about 40% of my classes), the Army decided that my lackluster grades did not fill them with confidence that I would be fit, in spite of my oath, “to protect the Constitution of the United States against enemies, foreign or domestic.” In the summer of 1985 I was informed that the scholarship was no longer in effect, and so began a hiatus from school while I scrabbled to earn the money to return. Eventually I was required to pay back all the money they had spent on me, having been found in breach of contract as a result of my poor grades.

Perhaps a little less time playing Star Trek in the computer lab … ?

After working for the Department of Agriculture for a year or so, it became evident that the best way for me to repay the money I owed while still earning enough to return to college was to join the Army as an enlisted man. At the time, the G.I. Bill and Army College Fund were generous enough for me to serve a three-year stint and ‘earn’ funds sufficient to finish school. My parents generously helped me to pay off my debt to the Army, and I signed up for a three-year enlistment as a Chaplain’s Assistant, which turned out to be just the thing I needed to grow up a little.

Many a game of Ultimate Frisbee was played in these Sunken Gardens.

In 1989 I returned to the College of William and Mary as a sophomore (again). By this time Kathy had transferred in from a school near Richmond, and began attending Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship (IVCF) and Campus Crusade for Christ, where I quickly noticed her. We became acquainted during a Spring Break work project through IVCF and Habitat for Humanity, as we worked to build homes for people whose homes were destroyed by Hurricane Hugo in 1989.

Jodi and Alan and their delightful family

At the end of the week, I drove Kathy and her friend, Jodi, home from South Carolina, since all three of us needed to be back in Virginia a day earlier than the rest of the group. After we counseled Kathy’s friend on her love life (she met her future husband, Alan, during the same week-long trip) and Jodi fell into an exhausted slumber, Kathy and I talked and laughed the rest of the ride home. As we crossed the border between North Carolina and Virginia, I realized that I was beginning to fall in love with her.

It was great to breakfast with the Purks, who encouraged and mentored us both as individual followers of Jesus and as a couple, heading for marriage.

Kathy and I spent some very happy years in school together, and we greatly enjoyed the opportunity to renew our acquaintance with a few of the local landmarks.

Extending from the Wren building at the tip of campus through the historic district, Duke of Gloucester Street (aka Dog Street) serves as the preferred promenade for students and tourists alike.

Kathy’s parents also attended William and Mary, as did my brother and his wife. Kathy enjoyed a quick chat with her Dad while waiting for the redcoats.

Kathy waits for a package from home …

Kathy and I never really ‘dated’, per se, but moved quickly into an intimate friendship that avoided some of the games that people play as they try to gauge the heart of their beloved. While we served on the Habitat for Humanity work project, our Inter-Varsity leaders asked us to write 3×5 ‘care cards’ of encouragement to the other members on the team, a practice which was very effective in building us into a more cohesive team. Returning to campus after the project, Kathy and I kept the practice alive, although it soon devolved into a way for just the two of us to woo each other in words. Postage at the time for on-campus mail was free, and the kindly workers would distribute new mail in our boxes three or four times a day.

Silly Kathy, doesn’t she know the Campus Post Office has moved to the new Campus Center?

We wrote hundreds (maybe thousands) of cards to each other, three or four at a time, bundled into an envelope for privacy and posted through campus mail in the basement of the Old Dominion dormitory. We quickly attracted the mail handlers’ attention and became a mascot for those who approved of young lovers — our mail was always sorted and placed in our boxes with the utmost in efficiency and courtesy. We found reasons to pass by the post office three or four times a day, and were rarely disappointed, as we shared little 3×5 slices of our hearts in a variety of pastel colors.

One of the most romantic spots on campus was the little bridge over Crim Dell. As legend has it, kissing a date on this bridge results in a future marriage with that person — Kathy and I were careful to preserve the legend … on several occasions.

Life in college isn’t all roses, as everyone knows. Sometimes classes were hard; paper and exam deadlines seemed to come pretty fast and furious at times. I remember on several occasions being rather stressed-out, especially the first year back at school after four years away. Once I met Kathy, though, I walked around campus with a sharp eye, watching for a smiling face that brightened even the worst of days.

Some of those professors get downright testy when you skip their classes.

Whenever our schedule permitted, we used to meet at the Sundial, which stood near the library at a crossroads of paths among some of the academic buildings on ‘new’ campus. There were many other semi-secret meeting spots whose names still bring a smile to my lips, including the Phoenix, the Hippopotamus Stapler, and Oliver.

I’d better not leave this cute girl waiting long, or she’ll be snapped up.

Looking back over the years, I’m filled with a sense of tremendous gratitude for God’s sovereign hand and His love and kindness for us both. In spite of the squandering of my scholarship, God gave me a second chance at college, and threw in true love with Kathy, just because He can. Whenever I feel that I’m going through a hard stretch in life, and it seems God has abandoned me, I remember what good things He has given me, when my life seemed dark and grim — it helps me to hold on and wait for His goodness and grace.

Tim