When Kathy and I were first married, we joined a Sunday School class for young married couples at the church we attended. The church was in the southwest corner of Connecticut, and many of the couples were as feisty and outspoken as you might expect, in the shadow of New York City.

I remember one of our gatherings in which we decided to play a homemade version of the Newlywed Game. “This will be fun,” we said, “what a great way to get to know everyone and poke a little fun at ourselves at the same time.”

Har, har, har.

Unfortunately, the game proved a little too volatile for our competitive group, and some of the players actually became angry with their spouses over answers. “I still can’t believe you didn’t know the name of my third grade teacher,” I might have snarled at Kathy.

After months of practice with cue cards (and still getting the answers wrong), Kathy and I decided that starting this game had been a serious mistake. “It’s just playing with fire,” we agreed, soberly. To this day we warn other young couples to stay far away from the Newlywed Game, “If you value your marriage,” we tell them in hushed tones.

Therefore, you can imagine our “delight” when we were selected to play the Newlywed Game this evening at the Church Staff/Elder Retreat we’re attending. We were the ‘middle’ couple, competing with a husband/wife pair who were married about a month ago, and with another couple who have been married 49 years. No doubt we looked like easy targets, or at least good for a few laughs.

After all these years, who knew the Newlywed Game would return to haunt us.

Thankfully the questions were a good mix of easy and difficult, and we actually had a lot of fun playing. The audience got some good laughs, and we were only defeated by a single point, which I thought was a pretty good showing. We went out into the hallway after the game to muffle any recriminations: “My third grade teacher’s name was Ms. Pollack, for crying out loud!”

After the game ended, the pastor announced he was offering discounted marital counseling to all contestants, which I thought was extremely helpful. I wonder if the 2 to 2:30 pm block is still open.

Kathy left her camera download cable at home, so the blog will be picture-less for the time being (gasp). Nonetheless, it looks to be a fun couple of days. My folks graciously agreed to stay with the kids while we are gone, so I’m sure the house will be hopping in our absence.

Tim

Once upon a time … happily ever after.

What happened during the span of those three little dots?

More importantly, HOW do you get your hands on some of that happily ever after fairy dust?

I have no idea.

The beginning of our happily ever after.

But, as this is a Works for Me Wednesday, I’m here for you all. Let’s talk about marriage.

This past month our church home fellowship group completed a DVD study on Love and Respect. I shared just a bit about it in an earlier post but didn’t thoroughly review the material.

Our church purchased the Small Group DVD set featuring 5 DVDS (the seven hour Love & Respect Conference on DVD) and 10 Small Group Discussion Guides.

This conference is amazing! Drop whatever you are doing and head out to get a copy of the series. Go the website and see if there is a conference coming to your area. Don’t delay! Don’t waste time reading other boring marriage books. Get some friends together and go in one the cost of the dvd set. Beg your church staff to buy it. Hound the library and get funding for the DVDs.

The lessons were challenging, motivating, and insightful. Dr. Eggerichs is a compelling and animated speaker. He has a passion for helping people in their marriage and the unique ability to understand the needs of both women and men. Tim and I would both say that out of all the marriage resources we’ve studied, this course has had the most impact in relating to each other in godliness.

In case you hadn’t noticed, I liked this course just a bit.

When we first began the course, we handed this Marriage Questionnaire out to all the couples in our group. We encouraged them to answer as honestly as possible. We didn’t share the responses, they were sealed in an envelope and put aside.

I’ve been working on this blog for several weeks — mainly setting it aside. My plan was to write a Works for Me Wednesday post on 3 ways you can show respect to your husband. Doesn’t that sound great. I’d love to read something like that. In fact, why doesn’t someone else post on marriage and I’ll visit YOUR blog.

Hmmm, that’s the problem. When it comes down to actually writing on this topic, I feel incredibly inadequate and unqualified. No matter how I hard I try and how much I study, I continue to struggle in this area. Nonetheless, my husband is relentless and won’t let me pick another WFMW topic. Either he thinks I have some wisdom to share or he hopes I’ll learn something in the writing. Ha!

Of course, you can always try to arm wrestle your way into a happy marriage.

The key verse for Eggerichs’ material is found in Ephesians 5:33:

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

The husband is to love his wife and the wife respect her husband. It’s not a choice. It’s not conditional on merit or worth but by obedience to the Lord. Eggerichs says when people are not fulfilling these commands in their marriage, they step onto the crazy cycle. Husband acts unloving and Wife responds by being disrespectful. Or Wifey Poo acts disrespectful and Darling Husband reacts by being unloving.

Love and Respect - simple, yet powerful words.

Most of the wives in our group had a difficult time understanding how respect could be that important. Not a good sign for the poor husbands. The men would nod vigorously during the DVD while the women would look puzzled and mumble something like, “Really? Respect? Maybe if he was (insert virtue) I could respect him. Mumble. Mumble.”

One of the foundational principles of Love and Respect, is that a wife owes her husband unconditional respect in the same way that a husband owes his wife unconditional love.

I’ve been brainstorming the last few weeks, trying to come up with 3 concrete ways a wife could show respect to her husband. The fact that it’s taking me so long is an indicator of the difficulty of this issue and the challenge we women face.

I finally came up with 3 concrete ideas. God bless you if you’re still here after that “short” intro.

Works for Me Wednesday - Respecting Your Husband

1. Say “Thank You” — be creative. It doesn’t have to be expressed verbally. Slip a note in his lunch box. Leave a Post-It on the dashboard of his car. Have the children write cards and mail them to his place of business or put them on his favorite chair at home. Give him a special plate for dinner. Include treats in his lunch, something that says “you are special”. For my husband that means cashews and Nutella. Nothing makes him feel loved like some chocolate hazelnut.

   

   Tim’s lunch bag and back-up lunch box in case one isn’t enough.

   Thank him for sacrificing for the family.
   Thank him for getting up and going off to work.
   Thank him for being a hard worker and provider.
   Thank him for taking out the trash or caring for the automobiles.
   Thank him for helping out with the kids, dishes, lawn work, bills.
   Thank him for doing the disgusting jobs that no one else wants to do (in our house that means overflowing toilets, cleaning up after sick kids and squishing spiders).

   Find an area where you can sincerely thank him, don’t use this as a manipulative tool to thank him for the things he doesn’t do in hopes he will change. Think of something you respect about him (his ambition, discipline, driving skills, fill-in-the-blank) and TELL HIM.



2. Listening Ear or Problem Solver — which one do you want? Identifying this and being clear about it, is a HUGE sign of respect in my marriage. If I can let Tim know before we begin a discussion or conversation that I simply want a listening ear, it impacts our entire day.

   Tim has shared with me repeatedly (and one of these days I’ll actually get it) that he feels disrespected when I share a problem or difficult situation with him and then don’t heed his advice. If I tell him ahead of time that I just need to talk, he is able to set aside his incredible Problem Solving Super Powers and enjoy the conversation.

3. No Interruptions — this tip is primarily for moms. I know you can multi-task with the best of them. Talk about Super Powers. Believe me, I’m sure, that most of you are able to make dinner, write out a grocery list, talk to your husband and answer questions about homework at the same time.

   I have found, however, that this is an incredible source of frustration for my sweet husband. If at all possible (barring emergencies), try to minimize distractions and interruptions while conversing with your man. Train your children to use the interrupt rule.

   Be honest with yourself, if you know this isn’t going to be a good time for a lengthy conversation — Don’t Start One. The sad fact is, most husbands don’t really want to talk. They are already giving of themselves (their time and energy) and when you turn your attention elsewhere in the middle of a conversation, it sends them the message that their offering is worth nothing to you.

How long before I can interrupt?

Please hear my heart on this subject, I am in a constant battle against my lazy, sinful nature. I long for a godly, passionate marriage but more often I want to put myself first and have things “my way.” I am not an expert. I fail all the time in respecting and honoring my husband.

I’m trying, though, and these are a few areas that bless my husband.

Kathy

Head on over to Rocks in My Dryer for further Works for Me Wednesday links.

Some other Duckabush WFMW Posts

Devotional Books for Little Ones
Homeschooling Faves
TopBlogSites
Laundry Organizer
Giant Whiteboard
Travel Outfits

Join us for our Tuesday Tips for Parenting

Calling Your Child
Creative Use for the Timer
First Time Obedience
Sermon Notes
Thorough Job
Paper Dolls
Walk-Away

On the way up to her brother’s wedding in upstate Michigan, Kathy snapped this picture, and showed it to me. Apparently it was designed to attract drive-by customers to an enterprising junk yard on some rural highway. For some reason I thought it was very funny … I imagined a drive-thru window with a gum-chewing attendant:

“Welcome-to-Hubcaps-to-Go-how-may-I-help-you?” asks the attendant in a bored monotone.

“Yeah, I’d like … three hubcaps for a 2003 Subaru Outback and a side order of hubcap protectors, please.”

The Entrepreneurial Spirit, alive and well in the MidWest.

“Do you want chrome with that? Super Size?”

“No, thank you.”

“That’ll be $79.84, including tax. Please drive forward to the second window.”

What other kind of hubcaps are there? Are there a kind that you can consume on the premises? Or perhaps there is a program where people can sponsor hubcaps for needy children overseas? Burning questions, all.

Switching subjects, now. There is something very fun about other people’s weddings – or at least there is if you enjoy being married yourself. Kathy and I were talking about our own wedding some 15 years ago, and she mentioned how glad she was that we didn’t have to start over (and ‘all that’ to deal with again.) “Fifteen years of fighting,” she mused.

“Fifteen years of fighting?” I wondered to whom she had been married, all those years, and why he was such a jerk? I don’t remember more than two or three fights a year, which hardly translates to fifteen years of fighting. Mostly we have disagreed about four things: finances, parenting, why Tim doesn’t clean the garage on Saturdays, and whose turn it is to get up and change that late-night diaper. Figure an average of about six hours per argument, conservatively figuring four fights a year, that only adds up to a little over two weeks of conflict over fifteen years. Mind you, that’s a lot by some standards, but … I guess we see things a little differently. I asked her about it, and she wailed, mockingly: “That’s because you weren’t THERE all those years!” She’s a hoot, really.

Kathy read this draft (one of the nice things about Wordpress is that she can see what I’m writing, even when we are separated by thousands of miles) and insisted I clarify, so I will. What she probably meant is that she was glad we didn’t have to start all over again, going through some of those difficult issues and learning some of those lessons we all have to learn. But I think my take on it is more amusing.

In all seriousness, one of the delights of our marriage is that we don’t fight much at all, and when we do, we fight fairly. We avoid the use of words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ and we don’t raise our voices or throw things or stomp out, slamming doors. Kathy’s Nana and the scripture agree: “Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.” Many times we have wrangled late into the night following that principle — it is interesting to see how unimportant some conflicts become when your night’s sleep is at stake and you have to get up for work in a few hours.

We recently had occasion to think about how much we had been apart over the years – I’ve been blessed with a job that doesn’t require me to travel much at all. We figure we’ve not been apart for more than two weeks, and only once or twice at that, when Kathy has gone to visit one or the other of our parents and I didn’t have enough vacation time to go with her. We just plain like to be together – we didn’t get married so that we could lead separate lives, after all. Of course, Kathy would probably say that we just like being together to fight, all those fifteen years. But I’m not bitter. Really.

Oh, since this was a picture taken on Thursday, it counts for Project 365.

Project 365, Day 172

This is the marriage letter we handed out to each person in our small group this evening. Along with the questionnaire, they all received a business size envelope. The instructions were to fill out the letter, put it in the envelope with your name on the front, and seal up the envelope.

I believe that God cares deeply about our marriages and that He alone has the ability to change people and relationships. I think the marriage dvd series we are beginning next week is going to be a powerful one. I can’t wait to see how God is going to work in our marriages through the study!

We wanted the group to get a little snapshot of their marriage as it is now–hence the letters. We’ll open up the envelopes and look at our responses in six months or so.

Now to pray sincerely and fervently for the marriages in our small group!!!

Marriage Questionnaire

1. How would you rate your marriage on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest)?

Give a brief explanation for your rating.

2. List 4 ways you would like to improve as a wife/husband.

• a.
• b.
• c.
• d.

3. List 4 things you would like to see your husband/wife change or improve.

• a.
• b.
• c.
• d.

4. For the wives: Do you respect your husband?
Does he feel respected by you?
Do you feel loved by your husband?

For the husbands: Do you love your wife?
Does your wife feel loved by you?
Do you feel respected by your wife?

Love Languages:
Physical Touch
Gifts
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation

5. Do you know your love language? What is it?

6. Do you know your spouse’s love language? What is it?

Today Tim and I celebrated our 14th anniversary! What an amazing thing.

The happy couple! May 23, 1992

Of course, falling, as it did, on a week day, we were rather busy and distracted for most of the day. The children and I did school, had lunch and then went to homeschooling PE at the YMCA. In the afternoon Rachel and Daniel had friends over to play and my sitter/helper came over to work on the house. All in all it was a typical day in the life of the Edgrens.

And yet, in the midst of it all there was this sense of wonder and joy that Tim and I have been married for fourteen years and have created this beautiful family together. What a precious and delightful gift. Even the routine and familiar work of laundry and dishes and child care took on a deeper significance in the awareness of our anniversary–fourteen years together. Wow!

In 2002 we flew to Michigan for a family vacation and celebrated our anniversary with a vow renewal ceremony. We arrived in Michigan on the 22nd of May and were able to have the ceremony on the actual day of our 10th anniversary. I was VERY pregnant, which narrowed my selection of formal wear to a more casual look. Ha! We had a lovely celebration, put together by my parents, at Trinity Presbyterian (my father’s church) where we were married 10 years before.

Joshua, Rachel, Daniel and toddler David at the renewing of our vows on our 10th anniversary–in the same sanctuary where we were first married.

It was very meaningful to repeat those vows again, this time with ten years of experience and reality under our belts. I was moved by the depth of the words we had written for each other as an engaged couple, chastened to see where I have fallen short of living those promises out to the fullest, and delighted to still be so in love with my husband.

Here we are after renewing our vows. Kathy is obviously very pregnant with Sarah.

Today I had many well wishers. The older children wished me Happy Anniversary several times. My in-laws called and sang to me over the phone. They also brought news of anniversary gifts (the best one being some grandparent babysitting time–hooray!). I spoke to my parents (who are flying to Washington as I type this) and received more glad tidings.

Tim and I had planned to celebrate this year’s anniversary with a romantic dinner here at home. The children love to eat out in the garage (watching movies) while we stay inside and enjoy a quiet dinner alone. We’ve had these Home Style dates several times in the last few months. Sometimes we order out (the Outback Steakhouse is a favorite) and other times we fix dinner ourselves. Either way it is a pleasure to dine in the comfort of our own home and focus our attention on each other, without the distractions of our noisy chillen (to borrow a phrase from my Nana).

While the children were playing I had steaks marinating and ready to grill. I put potatoes in the oven to cook and planned to make a fresh green salad. Rachel and Daniel’s guests invited them out to a pizza dinner. How lovely! Two children who will be off, fed and entertained with playmates. When their mother, my dear friend, heard that it was our anniversary (and we planned to have dinner at home) she secretly arranged with Joshua to take all five children out for pizza. What a delightful treat!

I was totally surprised! J. called and spoke to Joshua (under the guise of talking to him about some yard work) and had him get the little ones ready to go. When J. arrived with her dh they came in two cars and told me they were taking all five children with them and would be back in two hours. I thought she was joking. My goodness! Shannon was still here cleaning so I had her finish up and drove her home. When I came back Tim had the griddle all ready for the steaks and was basking in the quietness of an empty home.

We had a lovely anniversary dinner. The steaks were delicious, the potatoes hot and crisp and the salad perfect. The meal was served on our beautiful wedding china (which I still LOVE) and all was just perfect.

J. kept the kids almost three hours. They went to McDonalds after their pizza dinner and had ice cream sundaes. Afterward they went to her house and made anniversary cards for us. You know you are well loved when your friends will take your five children out to dinner in order to give you the gift of time. What a blessing! Joshua wrote up a touching acrostic for the word FOURTEEN.

F: Fourteen years
O: Outstanding
U: Unity that will never be broken
R: Really great family
T: Tons of years
E: Every one of them great
E: Extremely awesome
N: Never will split up

It is truly stunning to think of how the years add up so quickly and yet at the same time seem to move in slow motion. It does not seem possible that Tim and I have been married for almost a decade and a half (weren’t we just in college?).

The William and Mary Graduates with Grandma and Grandpa Edgren. My how time flies!

I am very thankful Tim asked me to marry him all those years ago. I have never met someone (before or since) who has made me laugh as much, shared my passion for reading and thinking and discussing life, challenged me spiritually, and just plain brought joy to my life. He is an excellent husband and father.

Thank you for fourteen wonderful years, Tim!

–Kathy