Daniel had a difficult time Saturday afternoon. Poor guy! On the heels of his fun birthday sleepover no less. He was unkind to David several times and just generally seemed to be firing off angrily at everyone around him. Well, with every difficult struggle brings a great opportunity to really learn some good lessons.
I’m sure that’s Biblical. There are probably lots of Proverbs dealing with this whole subject. I’m too tired to list them right now. Maybe I’ll have time tomorrow to go back and include them. For now I can sum up: Listen to rebuke, follow the Lord’s commands = wise person. Reject correction, turn away = foolish person (‘stupid’ in some translations).
Thankfully all of this occurred on a Saturday and Tim was home to help parent/train/discipline. I don’t know if he mapped out the course of action for Daniel ahead of time or just made it up on the fly, but Tim certainly set about to do some teaching.
First he had Daniel go off and watch a portion of the Matthew/Visual Bible DVD. The Visual Bible is a word-for-word movie production of the book of Matthew. The only spoken lines in the movie are those of the scriptures. It’s truly a stunning and powerful movie. One of our favorite scenes (can you have a favorite “scene” from the Bible??) is when Jesus teaches about forgiveness in chapter 18. He tells the parable of the unmerciful servant to Peter, acting out the story before him and having Peter play several parts. There is humor as Jesus whispers and points, pretending to be the other servants telling the master what happened. At the end of the parable things grow serious. Peter is thrust into the roll of unforgiving and cold servant and Jesus stands up tall and stern as the master.
“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”
The look on Peter’s face when he hears Jesus say those words is so compelling – part guilt and shame at seeing himself in the roll of the unforgiving person, part confusion and sadness at being sent away from the Lord; all of it wrapped in a slowly growing understanding of the magnitude of sin and God’s forgiveness.
After this visual Bible lesson, Tim sent Daniel outside to rake the grass. Our lawn mower has been cowering in the shed for several weeks. It died after making one pass through our LONG grass so Tim sent out a desperate plea for help. Thankfully (complete answer to prayer) Tim’s folks had a mower Mark and Elizabeth (Tim’s brother and sil) passed on when they moved to Norway. G’pa brought the mower over on Wednesday and Joshua began the Great Mowing Expedition of ’07. Although the mower has a bag, it still dumped huge clumps of grass all up and down the lawn.
All of this to say, the raking job was NOT tiny but neither was it overwhelming. Nothing like a little physical exercise and a good, solid chore to give you time to think things over and keep you grateful for your good life.
Next Tim asked me to let him deal with Daniel. Wow! What does that mean? I don’t want to be on the edge of things, I want to be right there in the heart of the storm. I looked in Tim’s face. He had such a solemn look of resolve and seriousness, I realized he wasn’t being playful or stubborn or angry. He was in full Father Role and wanted me to set aside my emotional, protective, ‘give in too easily’ tendancies. I’m afraid I sometimes hamper Tim’s leadership and fathering. I so easily rise to defend the (perceived) under dog (whoever they may be) that Tim has to almost fight me in order to discipline the children. I decided, this time, to do my best to support him and find a spot to observe from the sidelines.
Flannel buddies–Tim and Daniel 1999
Daniel worked outside for a solid hour and finally finished the raking. Next he and Tim went upstairs for a good, long talk. Again I stayed out of things. Okay, I did sneak up at one point (it just seemed like they were gone for a LONG time) and see if they needed anything. I never said I was good at supporting from a distance. Tim looked serious and Daniel teary eyed.
They finished their conversation and Tim gave Daniel some final advice on being kind to David and making up to him. Daniel went off by himself for a little bit and, literally minutes later, fussed angrily at David. Minutes!!!! Okay, this is not what the discussion and conversation and “heart talk” and discipline was supposed to produce. It was very disheartening!
Daniel and David in 2003. “Don’t push him in, Daniel!”
Tim sent Daniel BACK outside to rake the front yard, Between the two yards there was certainly plenty of grass to rake. The front yard is small and it didn’t take Daniel long to complete his work. He and Tim went off to the gas station to buy some gas for the lawn mower (the yard is only half mowed in the back – goody, more raking chores ahead for disobedient children). Another good talk, I would presume, I don’t know exactly what they discussed. Remember, I’m staying out of this father/son time.
Daniel came home (no more tears) and went right out in the garage to get a game. Off he went upstairs, looking for David and asking him if he would like to play. The rest of the evening was wonderful. Daniel was cheerful. He was full of praise and cheerful compliments for David and his game playing skills. We had a delicious dinner (more praise, this time for the chef). After supper we watched an episode of Bonanza and then ended the night with a game of Puerto Rico.
Hmmmm, the whole process was difficult and emotional. I know the lessons Daniel was supposed to learn, but I wonder a bit at what I should take away from it all. In no way am I implying that the discipline should be left entirely to the father. Tim and I are partners in this journey and we spend much time in discussion, prayer and Bible study as we parent the children. We balance each other in amazing ways. However, I wonder if sometimes my “mother hen”/emotional/protective side rises so strong that I actually prevent Tim from being the spiritual leader in the family.
Tim and Daniel December 2004
Perhaps I need to be willing to step aside more often and trust Tim’s parenting, even if it seems overly stern or just plain different from mine. How many times do we Christian wives say we want our husbands to be the spiritual leaders of the home but don’t leave anything left for them to lead, we’ve already done it all? Lots of prayer and wisdom is really needed in this job as wife and mother.
Daniel and David had ANOTHER interaction this evening where David got hurt. Is it just rough play between boys? Is there a bullying pattern building in Daniel’s life? Is there some resentment of the younger brother spilling out in fighting?
David gets a bear hug from Daniel, December 2004.
It looks like I will have plenty of opportunity to support Tim in our pursuit of Daniel’s heart.
Kathy
